Headfirst For Halos
by defiantlyneurotic
Summary: She wants to say it. He does too. Their worlds are hanging by three words that neither can bear to say. No one says it in the end. He turns away from her first. And then she turns her back on him. Sequel to The World Is Ugly.


**Well now I'm back in the middle of the day that starts it all.**

 **I can't begin to let you know just what I'm feeling.**

 **And now these red ones make me fly,**

 **And the blue ones help me fall.**

 **And we'll fly home,**

 **You and I,**

 **We'll fly home.**

 **~ Headfirst For Halos, My Chemical Romance**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments, or My Chemical Romance's song, Headfirst For Halos.**

* * *

Clary spots him first, before he sees her. Well, technically Simon spots him first and points him out to her. It's by pure coincidence. He happens to be standing outside of some club they had been passing by to get to their hotel. He disappears inside before she gets the chance to see his face and decide if Simon's words are true.

"Of all the places, Indiana?" Clary turns her head to Simon, doubtful. "In some off the grid town people have no clue exists?"

"Well, he wanted to disappear didn't he?" Simon points out, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I'm not too sure, Si," Clary says dubiously. "I mean, I'd expect Jace to be off in Vegas gallivanting around. Maybe working as a stripper somewhere."

"Don't be so sardonic when I'm being serious," Simon rolls his eyes at her.

"How can you even be sure it was him? It's been almost seven years since any of us last talked to him, much less saw him. Have you been thinking about Jace recently, hmm?" Clary wiggles her brows suggestively. She laughs lightly at his expression and pokes him in the side. Her smile dims as she finds herself admitting the next part. "You know, I never told anyone this, but uh- in the earlier days. I used to think about him. All the time. It was a bit unhealthy actually. And I saw him. I saw him everywhere. In the halls, standing outside his house, on some random sidewalk. Because part of me was just hoping he hadn't left and he was still lingering. But that was just wishful thinking. He was never there." Clary laughs, but her tone holds no amusement, and she's not happy. That much is reflected in her eyes.

"Maybe, maybe you want him to be here too," Clary whispers to him, her eyes downcast. For the first time, Clary begins to realize that it's begun to rain. Drizzling, actually. "For me," she peers up at him. "You want me to be happy."

She's not happy. They both know it. And they both know she hasn't been for a long time. It hurts him, almost more than it hurts her. He's not been a very good best friend, or so he thinks. He's watched for years as she's spiraled. Nothing had been the same after Jace left. Clary was popping blue pill after blue pill just to get through days she deemed not worth living. He could only watch helpless. She wasn't okay, and she hadn't been for a long time. Simon wanted to help. Wanted to help so desperately. She was -and still is- doing better. At least she was off the antidepressants. But not a day went by when she didn't think about him.

"I want nothing more in the world than that," Simon reaches out to hold her hand loosely in his own. "But I know what I saw. And you're going to see it too."

He drags her then. Grips her hand tightly in his and pulls her along behind him toward the club. She stumbles after him, unwilling to put up a fight. It seems the club is operating out of the watchful eye of the government and is more of an underground thing because no one asks for their ID's upon entering. It's not too late into the night, so while the club has quite a few warm bodies in it, it's not as packed as it would have been. He's fairly easy to spot, even when she's not looking for him. Under the pulsating lights, he stands out, and Clary is glad to find that he hasn't changed much. He's grown, definitely, but Clary is not complaining. Everything comes rushing back, and she momentarily forgets to breathe. She's tried so hard not to think about any of it these past few years, and now she can't help but think of it. Everything is coming back to the forefront of her brain, demanding her attention.

Had he ever thought about her like she did him? Did he still remember her? Did she ever really matter?

Someone bumps into her side, and she mumbles an apology. She turns to Simon, ready to voice she wants to leave because she can't take it. She can't face him, she can't face this. She's not ready. Clary doesn't want to risk him seeing her and approaching her. But of course, because she doesn't want it to happen, it does happen, and he turns his body in that split second she is ready to turn away. He freezes like she does, and in any other situation she thinks she might have found the whole thing very comedic, because they actually both resemble a deer caught in headlights. She is trying to stay calm, but it's hard when you find yourself staring down your first boyfriend in a club located in some off the grid town in Indiana, and said boyfriend broke your heart by running away and you haven't seen him in almost seven years.

He moves first. Simon gives her a light shove from behind. They meet one another halfway. She's not sure how she's meant to go about this. Obviously he recognizes, and obviously he remembers everything that occurred between them as vividly as she does if the pained expression on his face is anything to go by. Should she laugh and introduce herself again, trying to act like nothing had ever happened? Should she jump right into the questioning and risk scaring him off? Or should she just let him decide to make the first move? She chooses the last option.

Except Jace doesn't do anything. He just stares at her. She can't see what's going through his head, and that unnerves her, because what if he's upset by seeing her? What if the whole reason he ran away was just her? So she settles for an awkward smile as she tilts her head up to look at him.

"H-hi," she stammers, unsure of what to say or do with her hands. Was a hug too inappropriate? She tries for a joke and laughs a little, but it's too forced and she sounds like she's choking. "Indiana, huh? I would have pegged you as more of a Cali guy."

"California, Indiana, Tennessee, Minnesota, you name it, I've probably been there in the past years," Jace shrugs, shooting her a nonchalant grin. "And you?"

"S-Still in New York," she smiles, rubbing the back of her neck. "I don't do much travelling, y'know. Don't have the time. Work and all."

"Ah," Jace nods, blinking. "Guess that makes sense. Not every adult is as irresponsible as me."

"No, not every adult is," Clary hums in agreement.

She wonders how long they're both going to avoid what they really want to discuss. Obviously, not all that long as Jace chooses his next words carefully.

"I've missed you," he confesses as he avoids her eyes. "It's hard. I didn't meant to hurt you, but that was probably the only thing you felt. I was selfish. I still am, actually." He laughs dryly. "Some thigs never change, huh? I was scared, and I still am. The way I lived, the way I was raised as a kid, it wasn't very healthy. I've never actually told anyone about it. And I'm not about to start. But, I was brought up on the premise that. . . love. . . was something to be feared. Not something you approach, much less something you embrace."

"To love is to destroy," Clary repeats the words, her throat constricting around them.

"And to be loved, is to be destroyed," Jace finishes solemnly. "I'm sorry I never got to tell you that. I was a coward. Instead of facing my problems and growing a pair, I ran with my tail between my legs. I still am a coward. I avoid everything and leave all my problems unresolved because I'm selfish and don't want to get hurt. It's never really mattered who I've hurt in the process, so long as it wasn't me taking the brute of the pain. It kills me to this day to think about. That I gave up the best thing that will probably ever happen to me." He stares her dead in the eyes. "I've never regretted a decision more in my life, and I've made a lot of questionable decisions.

"You were so amazing, so great, and just so human. Just the opposite of me. You let all your defenses fall around anyone you felt comfortable with, and it was such a beautiful sight to see you so open, and so honest, and you didn't hold anything back. If I'd known you for years I still wouldn't let my guard down and breathe a word about my past. I was shallow, and you were anything but. I didn't care about anyone but myself, and you just had this infinite amount of love to give, and you cared about anything and everything. You truly were so much better than I would ever be. And I didn't really care. I was so adamant that I wouldn't let you go, that I wouldn't give you up, despite how wrong I was for you. But then I did."

He angles his head away from her. "It was the most unselfish act I've ever committed."

Clary feels the tears forming in her eyes. "Is it bad that I wished you were just a bit more selfish?"

Jace looks back to her and gives her a heartbreaking smile. "Is it bad I wish just the same thing?"

She laughs, and he laughs too.

"I've missed you too," she says, shooting him a watery smile. "I miss you right now even though I've finally found you, because after this, I know. I know that the chances of ever seeing you again after this are slim. I'm staring you dead in the eyes, and instead of feeling relief all I feel is sorrow. I'm not really upset with you. I'm not sure I ever really was. I think a part of me always understood that you were never really mine. That one day, I would always have to give you up. I've tried to cope with losing you, but it's hard. It's really, really hard.

"And do you know why it was so hard? Because you were just gone. We never even properly broke up. I haven't dated since high school. Not because others haven't been interested, but because I was still so hung up on you. I always knew it wasn't the same with you. That you would be anywhere in the world having the time of your life, women throwing themselves at you. If you had thoughts of me, they would be fleeting. They would sting, oh boy how they would sting. But you'd push those thoughts aside because you never were as sentimental as me. It used to hurt me to think about, but now. . ."

Jace hangs his head. "I'm sorry."

"God, you caused me so much grief, but looking at you right now in this moment, I can see I caused you the same amount of grief, if not more. And I'm sorry."

"I guess, that's that then," Jace says, placing a hand on her shoulder. 'You should probably get going. Ratface is looking a bit impatient, and a bit distraught from being left alone for so long. But, before you go, are they- are they okay?"

It doesn't take long for her to figure out that Jace is referring to the Lightwood family. She smiles widely at him. "They're great. Alec and Magnus are still going strong. They adopted a baby two years ago. He's young but we definitely see signs of his Uncle Jace shining through despite him never meeting you before. Simon and Isabelle, you'll be sorry to hear, are now dating." Jace balks at that. "Since their last year of high school. I was just as shocked as you are now, but they're happy. And, set to be engaged, this July."

Jace sucks in a sharp breath as his gaze wanders to where Simon is standing rather awkwardly. "Maryse and Robert split up. But they're alright. They're still good parents to Max, who now has his own life, and his own girlfriend, who is just as geeky as him. Though, he's a bit of a player, that boy. Seems he's still idolizing someone, don't you think?" Clary taps the side of her head with her finger, and Jace flashes her a wink.

"What can I say? That kid adored me."

"Yeah, and he still does." Clary smiles fondly at Jace. "It was good talking to you, Jace."

"Yeah," he nods, biting his lower lip. "Good talking to you too, Shrimp."

She gives him a wide grin, before she ducks her head, and scrambles back to Simon's side. Had she lingered any longer, she knows she'd do something she'd soon regret. Just being in close proximity to him, even after all this years, still has her going crazy. Simon doesn't ask any questions as she returns to him. She merely shakes her head, and he takes her by the wrist. He takes the lead, guiding her through the club to the front so they can get out, and finally get to their original destination; their hotel.

She turns her head back to gaze at him in that snap second she is meant to be leaving through the club door. She finds that his are still trained on her, and probably haven't come off her since she turned her back on him, and his eyes are filled with an emotion that can be considered nothing but longing. Her breath catches in her throat, her feet stop moving, her body tenses up, and her heart stutters and stammers in her chest before it quite literally comes to a stop, and she feels like she can't do anything but hold his gaze. Jace now notices that he is no longer staring at a retreating form of the girl he once loved. As she struggles to regain her bearings and her resolve, he shoots her a small smile. A smile so small that it may as well not be there at all. Suddenly longing is not the only emotion swirling in his golden eyes, but regret, hurt, adoration, and sorrow begin to shine through, and Clary finds it oddly reminiscent of a storm brewing. He's never looked so much more fragile than in that very moment. . . never so much more. . . broken. And that breaks her.

Simon had long ago stopped tugging on her wrist, pulling her along behind him. He stood still next to her, trying to talk to her, but everything he was saying was going in one ear and out the other. She pulls her arm out of her grasp, and she's surging through the crowd of bodies to get to him. In the Hallmark movies the boy always meets the girl halfway, but Jace has never been one for so happy love stories so instead of moving towards her, he merely stays put and opens his arms. She no longer has any hesitation as she throws herself into him. It's too awkward to be considered warm and heart-touching, their embrace that is. She clunks her chin against his shoulder, and he's not too sure where to put his arms, so one is wrapped around her waist, and the other around her shoulders, trapping him against her, and his hold on her is a little too tight, but she doesn't open her mouth to complain because this, this is them. This has always been them. And maybe, far into the future, this could be them again.

But Clary is realistic. So after minutes of clinging too tightly to each other and pulling away to look at one another, she sees all she needs to know in that bitter smile of his. And she knows she is mirroring his thoughts, and she knows that it is sketched out onto her own face as well. He lowers his arms, and they fall limply back to his side. She pulls away, putting distance between them, but doesn't remove her hands from where they are gripping his shoulders. She's not quite sure what to say. She's short of breath again. She's forgotten how beautiful he truly is. The beauty of a broken angel. Everything comes rushing back to her. Stolen kisses, late night rendezvous, and so many broken promises. And oddly enough, all the memories she'd been attempting to suppress and forget, she finds herself loving the most. They were just kids all those years ago. Young and vulnerable. Dumb and vulnerable. They're really not all that better nowadays, but it's okay, because that's who they are, and Clay's finally realizing that. And she's finally realizing why Jace let go and ran all those years ago, and why he's still running. And Clary knows why she chased Jace all those years ago, and because she can understand, she thinks she can let go, and she thinks she can finally stop chasing Jace as long as he is still running.

"Thank you," she whispers to him. She's not sure what she's thanking him for, but his eyes glow and his smile seems to brighten, and he appears to know what she's thanking him for. It's good that at least one of them is aware of what's going on. "Thank you. Thank you so much. For everything. You mean the world to me. You're everything to me, and I just-". Her fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt, bunching it up as she closed her eyes. "You helped me so much. You taught me so much about myself, and I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't had you." She raises her hand to rest on his cheek and he leans into her touch.

"You're welcome," he murmurs, as he places one of his own hands over hers. "I should be thanking you too. I'm not who I was then. And for that I'm grateful. I'm still fucked up as all hell but I'm better. I'm doing so much better. And I know it's because of you."

"You're sweet," she mutters, smiling ruefully up at him. When she was in high school, she would have blushed like a madwoman. She removes her hand, and he follows suit in retracting his. She shifts on her feet before she leans up and presses her lips to his cheeks. She lingers. It's not meant to be romantic, but meaningful. It's a tender and heart-felt gesture. It's hard to convey all the feelings stirring inside her with a small peck, but she's doing her best, and somehow Jace gets it, just like he always has.

She wants to say it. He does too. She can see it within him. Their worlds are hanging by three words that neither can bear to say. Him because he's purely petrified of the meaning of those words and her because she's a coward.

She gives him one last smile as she pulls away and he returns it. No one says it in the end. He turns away from her first. He grabs a girl from the bar and pulls her flush against him. She either missed their little exchange or she was too drunk and horny to care that he could quite possibly be in a relationship. She smiles at the scene. And then she turns her back on him. She turns away like he did all those years ago. It's not any better than it was, and if anything, there are even more words left unsaid between the two, but for whatever reason, her heart feels lighter as she returns to Simon's side. He's staring at Jace for a good minute, before he turns his attention to her. He looks uncertain.

"Are you- are you okay?" he asks, concern etched into his features.

"Yeah, I am," she smiles softly at him. And for the first time in a long time, she's not lying when she says it. She grabs his hand and runs through the doors of the club, dragging him behind her. The rain is coming down in thick sheets now, and it's icy cold. Their clothes are soaked in a matter of seconds, so when she grabs his other hand and begins twirling him around, he doesn't complain, because there is no point in it. She feels like a kid again. She tilts her head back and laughs loudly at the sky. No one is crazy enough to be out in this weather. Suddenly everything in the world just seems to slip away. There's nothing but the sound of the rain pounding down on the sidewalk around her, mixed with Simon's laughter and her own.

She takes one last parting glance at the entrance of the club before she shakes her head.

She's okay.

And now she knows he is too.

And that just makes everything so much better.

She's never felt happier.

It's okay.

They're okay.

And they always will be.

She laughs louder and throws her arms around Simon's neck, allowing her best friend to wrap his arms around her waist, pick her up, and spin her around.

* * *

 **ack. i'm still contemplating making a companion story to the world is ugly told in jace's perspective, but i procrastinate soooo much. also, this story had no plan whatsoever sooo lmao. and i've recently discovered i've always spelt the word occurred wrong. i never knew there was a second r. lololol.**

 **but. good news. school is almost over. less than a week. i'm both sad and excited at the same time.**

 **and i know the song i chose is about suicide, but i like the lyrics of the song, and they kinda fit? lmao.**

 **typing in all lowercase letters is my new aesthetic.**


End file.
